5 Months Old

Sleep. Where has it gone? You don’t hear much about how tiring motherhood is… at least I didn’t until I became a fellow zombie. Daniel went right back into his 2-3 hour wake-up intervals after only a couple of nights of semi-decent sleep.

I’ve been so unproductive over the last weeks. I feel bad when I don’t get much done around the house in more ways than one. Mostly, I feel like (and this is stupid, I know) I’m not “earning my keep”. I feel like it’s not fair that Dan has to go to work every day while I sit on my arse playing with Daniel and watching Ellen. Of course I’m not just sitting around all day, but I do feel guilty for the amount of time I spend watching TV or emailing when I could be putting another load of our endless laundry in the wash or tidying the living room table. But not having much sleep affects the whole body. I feel so lazy that getting up to pour a glass of water feels like a chore. Instead, I sit on the sofa dangling toy keys over Daniel’s head while coaxing him to “get the keys, you can do it!” while my mouth and throat feel like I swallowed a handful of sand. So getting up to wash dishes or to organize the closet seems like monumental tasks.

And I really could do something about it. I could go to bed when Daniel does… That would help some. The problem with that is then I don’t get any time to myself or with Dan. Then I’m a mother and nothing else. I don’t want to be nothing else. So I sacrifice sleep for humanity–though at this moment, I’m not so sure it’s the best trade anymore (even though I’m staying up to write this!)

I really shouldn’t complain. I do work a little bit–from home and on my own time–but I don’t really have to. I really don’t understand how some women get up at dawn to be at a full-time job after getting so little sleep, and then go home to cook dinner, clean the house and try to spend “quality” time with their children. Even if the household chores were split 50/50, I don’t think I’d be able to do it. I couldn’t even maintain a tidy household before having Daniel! Yet women do it all the time–many of them single and with more than one child. I’m ashamed of myself sometimes when I think of these women.

But Daniel is thriving despite my grog. He’s almost sitting on his own. When he’s distracted with his toys, he forgets to balance and falls over–usually falling forward, as he’s jamming his toys in his mouth. His second most favorite way to topple is to tip sideways. It’s a funny site to see. First he starts to list, then, plop. But when I can get him to look at me, he’ll sit for quite some time without using his hands as props. And when he’s sitting between my legs, he only occasionally leans back against me, preferring, instead, to sit up straight, taking advantage of his side-topple protection.

Today, at our friend’s 2nd birthday party, Daniel discovered the delight of helium balloons. He was cracking up as he was flown airplane-style into them. He laughed more with the balloons than he’s ever laughed before in his life. I’ve come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t laugh in a long continuous roll–that his “laughing” is a series of squeals and coughs of laughter. But the balloons caused him to really let go and LAUGH. The one balloon we brought home makes him happy, but it’s nothing compared to the brilliance of three at once.

The potty using is still going well. Daniel’s potty poos way outnumber his diaper poos. While he pees more in the toilet than in his diaper, he still wets a good number of them. Mostly it’s my fault. I’m often either not paying close enough attention or too busy with something else to take him, or, I’m too tired to get up to deal with it–see above.

And now that Daniel has been asleep for a couple of hours already, it’s pretty stupid of me to still be blogging. Good night.


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