Growing new life

June 26, 2011 · Filed under Pregnancy · Tagged 12 weeks pregnant, Getting pregnant, Natural Family Planning

I've been growing steadily already. This is my belly at just 9 weeks pregnant! Yes, there is only one baby!

With all my excitement about getting back to blogging, I forgot to mention that we are yet again expecting! This pregnancy was unplanned–to the point where we were actively preventing… but you know how God is. The baby is due on January 6. Today I am just over 12 weeks pregnant.

Just months before falling pregnant, I had gone through the difficult and painful process of giving up on my dream of a big family. Dan did not share this dream, and he had already let me decide about the first two children we brought forth. Since marriage is a partnership and all, I felt I owed it to him to do the work to mourn the loss of that dream and move on with the joy that we already had. One of the things I am working on in life in general is being content with what I already have and silencing the “grass is always greener” voice that speaks too loudly in my head. Just as I felt ready to say that I could be happy with what I had, God intervened.

We use Natural Family Planning as our method of birth control, and occasionally we cut the timing a little tight, so I always knew there would be the possibility of getting pregnant. Sometimes we are very careful and follow the rules strictly, and other times, desire just gets in the way. This was not necessarily one of those times, though when I look back on my chart, even though we did follow the rules, we were right on the verge of them. I really believed in my heart that even if we did accidentally get pregnant one day, I would be ecstatic and welcome the pregnancy with joy. But my feelings are not what I thought.

I’m not upset by this pregnancy, but I’m not exactly excited either. At first we were just stunned. I took a test on a whim (I had a collection of internet cheapies in the drawer in the bathroom). I wasn’t even late yet. But we were about to go to the beach for the weekend and I had this fleeting thought that if I happened to be pregnant, I wouldn’t have to pack any feminine products. So I took one of the tests fully expecting a negative result so I could finish packing the necessary supplies. But when that second pink line showed up on the test strip, my whole body went numb. I just couldn’t believe it.

Baby at 9 weeks

I felt shocked and in disbelief for the next couple weeks. Then at 6 weeks the morning sickness hit and I began to believe it a bit more. And and at 9 weeks I had an ultrasound and saw and heard the little one’s powerful rhythmic heartbeat and I couldn’t be in denial any longer. Since then, I’ve continued to grow (nearly 6 inches in my waist already!), developed the worst acne of my life, and have slowly been adjusting to the circumstances. I suppose I feel happy now that a new little one is coming into our family, but it feels like just another ordinary (albeit huge) event is about to happen. I almost feel indifferent, but it’s not in a cold way–just a “this is life” way.

I’m not too worried about my feelings. I felt pretty disconnected from the early part of my pregnancy with Reid due to my previous miscarriage, and that turned out just fine. I imagine once I start feeling this little one moving around, I will get one step closer to joy. And when we begin the preparations for this baby’s arrival, I will get closer still. And I am confident that by the time this child makes its appearance, we will be overwhelmed with adoration and wonder–just as we were with Daniel and with Reid.

But for now we are still journeying to that place. And I think we are content to be travelers for the next several months.